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selfcensure[Joseph still woke most days, certain that his freedom was nothing but a hopeful dream. Surely this time he would wake from this fantasy -- wake back in that nightmare of a place where he wasn't even sure how much time had passed. Kidman had said something about how long it had been since that fateful day, when she'd brought him to this small town with her... how unlike him for it to have slipped his mind.
The days of his new life had occasionally seemed to blur into one another as well. He supposed that was to be expected, with the way he'd very nearly fully isolated himself from the others. Whenever he managed to sleep, the horrors of what he had done were there to greet him. The horrors he could still be capable of. Even though he had handed over anything that could easily be used as a weapon to Kidman at first -- and then... to Sebastian once she'd left... the shadow of feeling his hands closing around the man's throat haunted him.
And now there was Lily as well. His goddaughter... the only one who could draw him out of his self imposed isolation so far, and the one he was most concerned about hurting. Sebastian and Kidman could both defend themselves... but Lily was a child. After all the time he spent as an experiment, how could he trust himself?
If something was going to happen to any of them... he still wanted to be the one it happened to.
And that was why he'd willingly parted with the most dangerous items in the house. Even with all the time that had passed, his memory of putting that gun to his head was vivid. The way Sebastian had looked at him was practically burned into his memory.
The bite of cold water on his hands is enough to drag him back out of his head.
Right... he'd been washing some dishes after he'd retreated back into his home -- after seeing Lily off to school that morning. She'd taken to hugging both her father and him before she left each morning -- how happy she'd been to see him following the one day he hadn't had the presence of mind to step outside had been enough to ensure he never missed this particular morning routine going forward.
He's turned off the water and dried his hands before he really realizes it, each action feeling distant -- feeling as if he were a passenger in another person's mind and not his own. He wouldn't get anything done this way, not right now. So for the moment... all he could really do was drop himself heavily onto the couch, glasses slipped off for the ease of resting his forehead in his hands. Leaned forward over his knees, glasses dangling loosely from his fingers... he needed a moment.
He needed just a moment, before he could continue going through the motions.]
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Date: 2023-12-15 04:27 am (UTC)Sebastian's own psyche is tumultuous most days, but he's very good at compartmentalising. Kidman gives him looks sometimes, but he'd never gotten out of the habit of keeping himself closed off, not even in this supposed happy ending they'd found. Apparently, even if it had only started because of Lily's "death", having her back didn't magically make him better at communication. He's functioning well, though-- the only times he finds especially difficult is when his work requires him to go out of town, even if he only ever goes to the city for three days at most at a time. Being away from Lily and the home they'd created inspires a fear in him unlike any other, and no nightmare world could ever compare to the simplicity of something terrible happening again because he wasn't there.
Joseph is around, of course, and babysits as necessary, but...
Sebastian sighs where he's stood outside Joseph's front door. It's a little after lunch, but he's sure the man hasn't eaten.
This isn't the first time he's stood out here with an extra serving of food from the local diner-- they used to go to those all the time after wrapping up cases, eating breakfast before parting and going to bed-- but Joseph's own fragile state has made it difficult for him to knock on the door. Kidman told him before she left town about the broad strokes of Joseph's captivity: that he had been kept by Mobius to test STEM upgrades, that he'd been a test subject to see how much a mind could be stressed before it loses itself, that he's not well, Sebastian, but this isn't the kind of thing you can just brute force better. And despite his own desire to see his partner again, to speak with him, to be able to comfort him after all the years that he left him alone, thinking him dead, Sebastian remembers how Joseph had been the last time they'd been together. Perhaps most importantly, he remembers how terrible they are at discussing anything even remotely emotional to begin with (primarily his own fault, but Joseph's had a more faraway look in his eyes these days, and Sebastian suspects any conversations of that nature would go nowhere, anyway).
Kidman most definitely has a point. Giving Joseph space might be a good thing until he finds himself more capable of... God, anything besides the bare minimum.
But there's only so much being polite that Sebastian can manage before he loses it. And today, he decides he misses Joseph so unbearably that he can't not see him.
So, because Joseph hadn't responded to the knocks he'd given minutes earlier, Sebastian pulls out the key that's been burning a hole in his pocket the past few months. And, quite unceremoniously, he turns the lock with it inside.
He expects having to explore the house to find Joseph himself, but stays still in the doorway once he sees the man hunched over in the living room. Words bubble up his throat, and perhaps out of terrible habit Sebastian swallows them back down. With the way Joseph's curled up into himself, there's no room here for any clumsy attempts at speech.
...that, and Sebastian wouldn't even know what to say.
He shuts the door behind him, leaving them in what little light is able to filter through the drawn curtains. The lock clicks as he puts it back in place.
Coming forward, Sebastian stands at the opposite end of the coffee table. Joseph still hasn't lifted his head, but that's only to be expected.
"Are you all right" would be so incredibly fucking stupid to say. Instead, Sebastian tries: ] Hey.
[ Clumsy. Every time. ]
Have you had lunch yet?
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Date: 2023-12-15 02:17 pm (UTC)Today... was one of the more difficult days. As she'd hugged him before leaving for school, Lily had said she hoped something today could make him smile. He knew she was far more perceptive than most her age, but even so the words had constricted in his chest. She wanted only good things for everyone in her life.
He didn't feel like he deserved it.
Joseph had hurt the people he cared about. He'd practically given up, by the time Kidman had taken him away from that place. Who was to say he wasn't still capable of hurting everyone around him? Kidman hadn't had answers for him, when he asked. At least... no answers to that question. That you can ask me that question is good enough, she'd told him. She trusted him not to hurt her, even before he had insisted she take every single thing that could be used as a weapon away from him.
Kidman had made her choice to share his space, and to his immense relief he had never hurt her. No... all he'd wanted was to hurt himself, in the end.
But what about Sebastian and Lily? Sure, in babysitting his goddaughter, he felt... like a person more than any other moment. Sitting and helping her through any homework she had trouble with, sharing in the stories she wanted to read, he could almost see the man he used to be... but would he -- could he ever be that man again?
What if one day, something happened? What if he hurt either of them? He couldn't...
The knocks hadn't even reached his ears, and with the way he doesn't move at all even when the door is closed and locked -- doesn't move at the sound of footsteps on wooden floors -- it was clear enough that he'd heard none of it.
That 'Hey' however... a line of tension flashes across his shoulders for a brief moment -- though not quite brief enough to count as a flinch -- and he finally registers he isn't alone. He doesn't lift his head right away, sliding his glasses back in place and letting his hands rest in his lap first.
Joseph had never been an especially broad man, even as fit as he'd been before... but dressed down as he was now in simple slacks and a soft, long sleeved shirt, the lightweight fabric did quite a bit to show just how much weight he had lost, the line of his collarbone certainly visible enough as he slowly sits somewhat more upright... as he finally lifts his head.
He looks exhausted -- like it's requiring him conscious effort to focus on the here and now.
"Is it lunchtime already?" he wonders -- considers saying even. A ridiculous question, and one that would do no more than raise concern besides.]
No I... hadn't thought about it yet...
[Not especially any less concerning, that.]
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Date: 2023-12-15 02:36 pm (UTC)Well, I ordered two sandwiches. [ Chips, too, but it seems unimportant. He doubts Joseph would eat them, anyway.
Huffing, Sebastian moves around the table, sitting on the cushion by Joseph's side. ] Funny thing. We haven't had a meal together since the last gas station on the way here.
[ He remembers. He'd written about it in his journal-- about how little Joseph had eaten, about how damn weak he'd been, fresh as he was from being in STEM for two years-- and hadn't written about meals and Joseph in the same entry ever since. (Sebastian's taken to writing everyday, even if sometimes he has nothing more than a few sentences strung together. He'd regretted not writing more about his days with Lily after the house fire, and he doesn't intend to make that same mistake again.)
There's space between them, primarily because Joseph seems so averse to touch these days from anyone but Lily. Sebastian's not stupid enough to be ignorant to his reasons; after the Beacon incident he'd run every conversation he and Joseph had in that nightmare repeatedly in his head, feeling guilty and remorseful and lonely. That his partner would've rather died than hurt him is an obvious truth, made even more stark with the box of Joseph's possessions Sebastian keeps in the very back of his wardrobe buried under clothes.
Should he ask, he wonders as he pulls containers out, how Joseph's day has been? Sebastian watches him out of the corner of his eye as he lays the food out on the coffee table, taking in his tired face and sunken cheeks. Once upon a time Joseph was eager to spend time with him-- before the internal affairs report, before Myra left, before the house was on fire-- and as far away as the memory is, it doesn't make the darkness in his eyes any less stark against the picture of them sparkling as Joseph spoke to him about anything at all.
...no, maybe he shouldn't ask. ]
I don't have any clients to meet today, so I thought I'd come over. [ The life of a private investigator is decidedly just as inconvenient as that of a police detective. ] Unless you're gonna be busy?
[ Joseph could lie, but that's hardly a problem. The real problem would be whether Sebastian ought to call bullshit or not... and he's undecided, still. ]
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Date: 2023-12-16 11:42 am (UTC)He felt like a coward... but was it really cowardice when what he was afraid of was the possibility he could harm someone?
Sebastian was here now, though... and Joseph really was focusing on trying to be as present as he could manage to be for Lily. Or at the very least, as close to that as he could get. Even so, he can't quite stop himself from dropping his gaze.
He could remember that last meal they'd shared together -- could remember the way he'd leaned his back mostly against the near wall. No risk of anyone behind him... and more room to leave the area entirely should he --
......
He remembered how he'd finished perhaps a quarter of his meal. Kidman had easily enough requested a container to bring it home with them, and he had at least finished it... given time...]
I can't claim to be any more... interesting company now than I was back then.
[He'd had to consciously stop himself from saying he wasn't worthwhile company. Realistically that choice wasn't his to make, and he knew it. No matter how much he may feel that the risk of being near him wasn't worth it.
It's a moment, as Sebastian sets out the sandwiches, that Joseph recognizes the anxiety in his own body language... recognizes the way his arms are folded over his abdomen -- the way his fingernails were pressed into his palms. He recognizes the way he still hadn't made eye contact with Sebastian since Beacon. They'd both learned to read body language to some degree in their work. He was under no illusions that Sebastian wouldn't know.
"Unless you're gonna be busy?" ... there were temptations in both directions he could answer this question. In truth, he simply wasn't busy -- in truth he wanted to be around the man even if he was certain he shouldn't be. That certainty was the temptation to find something -- anything as an excuse to claim he was busy.
He opens his mouth slightly, after a moment... but doesn't speak. No, first he closes his mouth -- clenches his jaw -- and then breathes out a sigh that is only marginally more stable than he feels.]
No, I wouldn't say busy...
[He lifts one hand away from his abdomen, opens his palm and notices the tremble there in his hand -- a tremble he isn't sure what the cause was. Hunger? He hadn't exactly eaten enough for a good while. Anxiety? Perhaps, considering his current proximity to the first person he would give his life for without question.
Probably a little bit of both. His hand returns to idly close this time around the fabric of his shirt at his side.]
Just trying to regain some of the strength I used to have.
[His voice was soft. At least in this quiet house, the only competition to be heard over was the gentle ticking of a clock.]
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Date: 2023-12-18 08:17 am (UTC)Joseph walks better now, of course, but that isn't the extent of it. Pressing his lips together, Sebastian tries not to let his worry consume him. ]
That's busy work, too. [ But not in a bad way. If anything, it's one of the toughest things a person could do.
Sebastian slides Joseph's serving of sandwich and chips over. ] You should probably start by eating something, though.
[ And for all that he's worried-- Joseph isn't letting him in, for fuck's sake, and as much as Sebastian knows why it doesn't make him any less frustrated-- a part of him is proud, too. Joseph could choose to give up and it would make perfect sense, but for some reason the man continues to hold what he can of himself together instead. Gaze softening as he looks him over, Sebastian ends up shaking his head once before unwrapping his food. ]
Is it exercises today, or...?
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Date: 2023-12-18 12:31 pm (UTC)[Sebastian was technically correct to refer to his plans for the day as a sort of 'busy work'... but Joseph had known the man for quite a long time. Even two years (had it been two? Joseph still couldn't quite recall) separate from him wasn't enough time -- even with all of the mental stresses -- for him to forget how the other man tended to think.
Joseph breathes a soft, single huff -- likely the nearest thing he'd expressed to amusement in the entirety of his time here, even if he still doesn't lift his gaze. Even if he still doesn't manage to smile... not yet...] It hasn't been long enough for me to think part of what you were asking wasn't whether or not I was too busy for you...
[Logically, realistically, Sebastian was absolutely right that he should eat something. He wasn't so far gone as to refuse, not while Sebastian was here -- not while he was actually present in the moment. The primary difficulty he always ran into when it was time to eat... was that his appetite had only barely started to recover. If he compared his meals now to his previous 'normal', he'd estimate he ate about half of that on a good day.
Accepting the sandwich, Joseph does still pause a moment. Each morning had been stretches before breakfast, afternoon varied frequently -- often depending heavily on just how much energy he had that day. Today...]
Today is... stationary bike... then some resistance training...
[He had to blink the distance of thought from his eyes after a moment -- had to drag himself out of his thoughts. It was getting easier, but it was still far from simple.
For now, he would just slowly start to eat.]
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Date: 2024-01-09 04:14 pm (UTC)That said, it's a good thing Joseph fills the silence himself.
The way he speaks, though-- slow, as if needing to stop and think of every word individually-- is still something Sebastian has to get used to. In his memories Joseph is eloquent and eager, prone to speaking endlessly if the topic is one he's passionate about... but then again, the Joseph of his memories hadn't been through everything this one has. Part of Sebastian resents Kidman's refusal to give him all the details (and if he were a lesser man, he would have questioned her new loyalties), but what would he do with them even if he had them? Would details make this interaction easier? Sebastian doubts it.
Besides, Joseph deserves more than pity and sympathy. He deserves care, and warmth, and the kindness denied him in the years he'd been held captive (and even the years before, back when Sebastian had leaned into obsession with what he lost instead of the good that he had).
Absently, Sebastian licks sauce off the corner of his lip. Joseph is doing his best, as he always does, even after all that's happened to him. The least he can do is fucking recognise it this time. ]
What do you do for resistance training? [ No offence, but it looks like you can barely hold up your sandwich might have counted as teasing if they were both a decade younger. Now, though, it'd probably be too much. ] You got some equipment?
I've never actually been in here, now that I think about it. [ Sebastian leans back with the slightest spread of his legs, taking another bite of his food and chewing some before adding, ] Felt kind of rude to demand a tour, though.
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Date: 2024-01-11 02:28 pm (UTC)[As withdrawn as he had become, he was certain that wouldn't come as a surprise. The only times where he felt he had much grasp of what day it was were when he was babysitting Lily. Really, even if he'd been asked more than a week prior... that was the one thing he would recall without fail. Part of him wanted to hope that meant he was improving -- that he would continue to improve.
Most of the time he still thought he was a lost cause.
He takes one last bite of the sandwich before he sets it down. For all he'd only eaten about a third of it... he didn't really anticipate being able to finish just yet. He couldn't really recall a day when he'd finished an entire meal, not since before Beacon -- even making smaller meals than he used to, there would always be something left over to pack away for a later meal.
It's a moment before Joseph leans back into the couch -- the attempt to avoid curling back in on himself clear enough as his arms rest loosely over his stomach, the very motion indicating more uncertainty than he'd ever really displayed before everything. He wasn't sure if he was ready for this -- for Sebastian to be here... but he didn't think he would ever be ready if he didn't try in the first place.]
There isn't really much to see... [He turns his head toward Sebastian, tension drawn across his shoulders for a moment before he gives in. He still couldn't meet the man's eyes, no matter how much part of him wanted to. His gaze lingers somewhere around his partner's chest, the closest he'd managed to date, before he allows himself to look away once more.]
The only interesting place... [A pause... he didn't want to think about Sebastian seeing the stacks of journals in his own room -- the pages full of vivid descriptions of his nightmares... his previous reality.] ... is probably the gym.